Will I ever be enough?

Dear blog,

I have been an unhappy person. Unhappy from all the disappointments of my hopeful expectations.

Whenever I do something for somebody, I really plunge myself into it, completely, I really do. Paying attention to all the nitty gritties that the receiver may not realise forever, but I secretly hope that they will somehow see my little trick there.

My obsessive compulsiveness makes life even harder for myself. For every word that do not convey my feelings accurately, I would not settle until I found the perfect replacement. For every little typographical mistakes that appears on the print, that piece of paper will be destroyed without any hesitation. These are the things that I choose do out of my analness. Nobody sees it & it's okay if nobody appreciates. Because I would still go through the trouble knowing that such efforts wouldn't be recognised.

Sometimes I feel stupid for doing all these though. It's like I try so hard to do my best, but my best is never enough. All my stupid piscean dreamy hopeful envisions wouldn't come true. All the reaction I was dreaming to get in return remain in my dreams.

I never ever expect anything in return actually. But it's in me, I dream too much. My mind is full of idyllic scenarios which are not gonna happen at all. & that is a painful feeling - to feel it so completely, but everything isn't real. My life is just a dream. When I knock out of it, it hurts so bad.

I feel stupid for putting in so much worthless efforts. I used to not give a damn about maintaining relationships because all I wanted was academic excellence then I can lead my good life. But I realised that wasn't the right way to go so I try to change myself. & it sucks when reality slaps you in the face to tell you that whatever you have done wasn't enough. Will I ever be enough? Am I doing it the wrong way? I was just doing it my way.

Why is it that other people always do it in the right way so effortlessly & here I am trying so damn hard to no avail. I just feel dumb, really dumb. Can my brain stop this daydreaming?